If you’ve seen Elf as many times as I have--an admittedly shameful amount--you may start to notice that this movie is about so much more than just a jolly man-Elf with a harmless addiction to maple syrup. When it comes down to it, this holiday cult-classic is actually a commentary on what can only be described as an ode to the desperate, single woman during the holidays. While it may follow Buddy’s magical journey, it also follows the FAR less magical tale of a savvy New York woman who was S O single during Christmastime that she opted for a man who voluntarily wore green tights. As a single New York woman during the holidays myself, I vowed during my annual Elf watch party to never become as hopeless as Jovie had in the film and to never settle for less than a man who stopped believing in Santa at the appropriate age. Sure, we’ve all dated our fair share of adult children, but this feels like a stretch.
But what if Elf was made 15 years later and Buddy’s only means of locating companionship was to head to the Apple store, pick up an iPhone, and download Tinder? And more importantly, would any sane modern woman dare to match with him?
First off, the name “Buddy” would be an immediate swipe-left. Though I’m certainly a dating app skeptic, I’d naturally assume anybody who willingly allowed himself to go by “Buddy” was the lead singer in a band for children or perhaps a very ironic drug dealer. Also, imagine calling someone “Buddy” in bed--a truly daunting thought.
Seeing “in NYC, looking for my Daddy” in his bio is another facet worthy of a left-swipe. As if Mommy issues aren’t enough. Upon reading this, I would begin to ponder whether he enjoyed calling women Daddy, he was actually looking for men, or if he was making a failed attempt at a horribly insensitive and misogynistic joke.
While we may see the first photo and assume the Elf outfit is just a distasteful costume, we’d ultimately click through a series of tragic photos taken graciously by Papa Elf or perhaps a friendly snowman. No woman in their right mind would swipe right on a photo of a man holding up a freshly caught fish, and the same rules should follow for a man holding up a
dysfunctional jack-in-the-box. As we continue to click through his photos, we may find an oddly sensual tongue-out flick with a candy-cane, a group photo with the Elf-chorus, and a poorly executed meme of him being attacked by a raccoon.
The preceding lines would consist of content such as: Must treat every day like Christmas;) the best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud 4 all 2 hear;). Looking for someone to get stuck in a revolving door with. Amateur toy maker. And finally, a link to a Spotify page consisting solely of Christmas music.
Being a single woman during the holidays often means egg nog for one and your favorite Hallmark movie that you know is terrible but really just *gets* you, but keep holding out hope. Don’t settle for a guy who might make you move to the North Pole to live with a colony of Christmas Elves, even if he tries to sing a duet with you in the shower and is strangely skilled when it comes to decorating. For those of us who are subjecting ourselves to digital dating this season, if you see a man in green tights and a pointy little hat, for God’s sake, swipe left.
Comments